No Friends? You Were Meant to Be Alone.

If people know the ‘real’ me, it’s over.

Dear Diary,

I have a fear of friendship.

I see it from afar. People eating together, laughing, taking pictures, going on trips, confessing their troubles, sharing their dreams, receiving head nods, and overall…Being accepted, admired, treasured.

They look happy.

I should be happy too.

Well, I am. I am…

My throat is itching, and I want to cry.

Tears of joy?

It must be.

What a terrible person I am. I look at my own life, and it’s painfully obvious I’m not quite like the others. In fact, I was never truly able to fit in.

Ever since I was little, I was stuck in my own head. I was meant to be alone. But I see that the others aren’t wired the same way. So…

Is something missing in my brain, or my heart, or…my soul?

I’m afraid the others can see there’s something wrong with me.

In their faces, I read:

“Poor you who is silent and overly cautious. Let’s talk to you so you feel somewhat included, even though you aren’t.”

But the thing is, I can deal with my solitude. In fact, I enjoy it. I crave it. Some people might not understand, but spending time alone is how I regain my energy.

I need to be at ease. Therefore, I need to be alone.

So I can think less.

So I can finally rest!

I keep my distance so that they won’t know the ‘real’ me.

Because if they know me…

If they know that I’m not like them, that I’m weird, defective or worse, repulsive like the giant bug in Kafka’s Metamorphosis…

They’ll shake their heads.

And what would that signify?

That I’m not…

BEAUTIFUL.

Not in the physical sense. I mean, in the soul sense. Like there’s no radiance, no passion in me, nothing that brings value so that other people can love me.

I’d rather fade away.

I want my ugliness to be hidden, and it would make the world a better place. I should remain unknown and unloved, even though I always longed for deep connection. So if I see the others experiencing the gifts of social excitement, maybe that’s enough.

A few days later, you open your notebook.

Your eyes get wide.

The diary replied:

Dear You,

It is true. You were meant to be alone.

You have looked at yourself as a fragile and defeated creature for so long that it reflected in how others perceive you.

Remember. There was a time you looked in the mirror, and you, too, had that look on your face.

But let’s say you were to meet someone who genuinely wanted to be friends with you. I say genuinely. Not out of pity. Not because they feel they should be polite towards you.

No. They are so excited to meet you, it shows on their face.

Is that even possible?

You have never felt that kind of warmth before.

It’s surprising. Almost suspicious…

They must be blind. Or maybe they’re just pretending. Why don’t they point out your timidity, your awkwardness, the very thing that’s wrong with you? Instead, they’re behaving like everything’s normal.

Like you’re a normal person.

As a result, you felt normal again.

And all your troubles melted away.

If someone were to see right through you, it would be so obvious:

The other is just like you.

Some people, even if there are only a few, know you without having to get to know you. Because they’re you.

You walk around thinking everyone is a shining jewel, but you don’t see that you’re the same material.

What if the real you was shining all along, and you were covered in dust?

Is it a misunderstanding?!

You’re not here to correct the dust. To put makeup on it. You’re here to embellish the radiance that is hidden within, for you are the jewel, and not the dust.

Maybe you wanted the dust to fade away, not yourself.

And as you remember who you are, it will.

And everyone will see you shining.

But for now…

Yes, you were meant to be alone.

You were meant to introspect, to be an observer, to think about your existence, to become your very best friend. These are rare traits.

Don’t mistake your greatest talent for a curse.

And whenever you need me…

I’ll always be here for you.

Thank you for reading! ✿

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