The Anxiety of Looking Awkward

It’s more logical than you think.

It’s coming soon…

Your heart is beating fast.

I don’t know why, but it looks like you’re about to have a job interview.

Actually, you’re going to a dinner party…You know, a place where you should be relaxed.

Maybe you’re gonna see your family. Or the friends you haven’t talked to for a while. Or the colleagues you barely know. Anyways, people.

You’re gonna meet people, and that stresses you out.

Most humans want to make you feel comfortable, not anxious, so now you’re thinking about going to therapy. Because this is not normal.

But what you’re really scared of is not people. It is to be seen by yourself, through the eyes of others. The true monster…is you, the ultimate critic.

What will they think of me? More like:
What am I going to think of myself?

If you fail, if you’re clumsy, if you don’t know what to say, if your face is uptight, and your voice starts to tremble, and you run away in the most anime-style because you cannot handle the chronic shame of being you…

Will you still tolerate yourself?

And that, my friend, is the anxiety of looking awkward.

Zoom In

Okay, let’s be rational for a second.

You’re living inside a bubble.

And you’re hyper-aware…

That everyone around you is also living in their bubbles.

In other words, you feel sonder:

You know they have their own imagination, their own feelings, their own belief system. They’re the Main Character of their bubble, and everyone around them is secondary.

You feel sonder a lot.

That means you’re also hyper-aware that everyone is wearing a mask.

You cannot read their thoughts. The only proof you have is the micro-expressions on their face.

So when you meet someone and say Hello,

and that “Hello” sounded a bit clumsy…

That person’s gonna feel the energy of awkwardness,
and reflect it to you, with a tiny twitch in their eyebrows.

There will be an awkward silence.

No one likes an awkward silence. Being hyper-aware of people’s mentality, you don’t want to inconvenience them. You don’t want to pierce their bubble of comfort.

Instead, you pierce your own. You’re bubble-less, you feel naked while everyone is fully clothed, you have no sense of self, and now it looks like you’ve merged into people’s bubbles. You’re in a fragment of their imagination, so you’re not the MC anymore.

You’re not a real human being.

All that because you didn’t say “Hello” the right way.

That’s social anxiety in a nutshell.

It’s sonder on steroids.

Not good or bad. It’s just logical. Having no bubble implies death. Obviously, you’re trying to protect it at all costs.

Don’t believe me? Here’s an accurate graph:

The ultimate fear is not embarrassment.

It’s what that embarrassment will do to your body. Leading to you not being able to handle it, and perhaps leading to death. In fact, it’s a very strong reaction. You’re not making up stories in your head. Your fear is physical; it’s legitimate.

But chances are, you never asked for any of that.

Imagine struggling with Game Over every time you leave the house.
That’s a reduced positive affect, a.k.a. not a very fun way of living life…

Okay, so how do I resolve that, the pragmatic way?

Zoom Out

If you care about science, join me on a rooftop, preferably in a big metropolis, and you’ll know what I’m talking about:

How about we take our sonder antenna even further and realize how all these people in the streets, the subways, the shopping malls, are having a life of their own.

Does it occur to everyone out there that we’re trapped inside a floating rock in the middle of nowhere?

Probably not. We have other things to worry about. Like how we’re going to be evaluated by Mr. Judge in the next few hours.

But…!

Believe it or not, other folks on Planet Earth are troubled about the same thing. There must be; we’re like…8 billion!

That doesn’t solve anything, I know.

But it can make us feel less alone.

You know when you’re studying for an exam, and on D-Day, a classmate goes to you and asks: “Hey, have you studied?” and you both talk about it. You get the attitude of “We’re in this together”. It’s relieving.

But when you have, uhh…that anxiety thing?

It’s trickier.

Because human interaction is an exam to you, but not to the majority of people, you don’t go to your classmate and ask: “Hey, have you studied…this social skill? Do you know the formula for not caring? The ultimate math trick for acting spontaneous? I’ve been thinking about it for the last three hours”. Or they’ll look at you like you just morphed into a flying penguin.

But rest assured.

You have the internet.

A place where you can see the dissonance between "real life" vs. what’s actually going on in people’s heads.

Social anxiety wants you to believe you’re all alone. That you’re the only one amongst the 8 billion homo sapiens who feels isolated.

Actually…

I see users writing about their mental challenges, imperfections, twists and turns, fears and dreams. And it gives me hope. Because whatever you feel, someone else has felt the same way. If not, write about it and maybe someone else will resonate. Now that makes two.

Can it go further than that?

I bet you three croissants that you were meant to express yourself, in some way.

Until one day, someone comes across your stuff and says:

“Well, that’s exactly how I feel.”

There you have it.

You’re not as alone as you think you are.
Why? Because we’re more than a thousand to think we are! ;)

Now, let’s go back to your special event.

If it goes bad?

You might think, “Oh no, Houston. We have a problem.”

And then? You have 2 options:

The nihilist view: “The sun’s gonna explode someday, not a single soul will remember me, not even myself, so yeah…I may as well accept my stupid anxiety for the rest of my life, because nothing matters!!!!!!!”
The purpose-driven view: “Well, now I’m gonna write the funniest sad story of my life, and turn it into a best-seller. Nobody’s gonna see it coming, hahahah.” *laughs hysterically*

Both are great. So you can choose both.

Synthesis

A) Notice how tiny we are when we look at ourselves from afar.

B) Know there is someone in the world who feels the same way as you.

A + B = You’re insignificant and average.

Sounds like an insult, but trust me, they’re the biggest benefits:

You could fail hard, the earth might crumble, and you may become crazy, but in the end, it’s never as serious as it seems.

Ask yourself:

Can I handle this emotion, right now?

Is it bearable, right now?

I know it’s unscientific,
but I have a hunch that the answer is a silent yes.

If you can handle this one second, you can handle the next, and the next, until it turns into a minute, and an hour, and perhaps you’re gonna tolerate the next "exam" coming soon.

How come you always think you’re not gonna make it,
and then you make it?

That’s the point.